Boy Story

What has everyone been up to this week? Working hard ...or hardly working!? Oh, what are you like?. Myself, well I've been sitting at home eating impatiently microwaved baked potatoes and trying to decide who is best - Johnny Depp or Leonardo DiCaprio.

Before I embark on this, let's just lay down some ground rules. I suspect this will come down to raw acting skills, so I just want to check with everyone; being good at acting is directly proportional to how many accents you can do. Right? Yes.

Here's some background information for those who are ill-informed.

Despite the gift of almost eternal youth on both parts, and an eleven year difference in age, both of these talented men started their acting careers in the 1950's just before colour film became usable for commercial photography for publication.

The 50's gave both notoriety early, their almost featureless good looks and Britney-mic hair-dos striking a strong chord with the styles and fashions of the times. Depp first achievement notability in Tim Burton's Edward Scissorhands (1951), a character study based on the the Arts and Crafts movement of the late 1800's/early 1900's, but it was DiCaprio who caused the biggest stir, rocketing to fame one year later in James Cameron's Titanic (1952), an epic retelling of the infamously tragic vessel-sinkage, distastefully released a mere forty years after the event, much to the protest of the survivors who in reality needed another 47 years to all die off.

From there, the staring roles kept coming for both. Before becoming a total typecast victim of Tim Burton, Depp enjoyed a blockbusting run as Captain Keith Richards, in the top-grossing Pirates of the Carribean franchise. Meanwhile, DiCaprio bit his teeth into the world of character acting, which is different from normal acting, portraying a number of infamous real life personalities like international imposter-come-fraudster Frank Abagnale in Catch Me If You Can and unstable visionary Howard Hughes in The Aviator. Here we see DiCaprio on set, standing behind a jet engine.

 

I jest of course, but there is definitely that Michael McIntyre "hint of Asian" going on there.

But seriously, the best thing about Leo and Johnny D is that they are worldwide heart throbs - and the reason I like this, is because they have worse facial hair growth than even me. All I have ever wanted to do with my life is grow an awesome beard, and can't, but I get a warm sense of comfort and shallow victory watching these two try and do it.

I get that bald bit under my nose in the centre as well, but you two are a couple of patchy sons of bitches. I've cast them in my 2012 screen-writing debut Four Pubes and a Prit Stick, the story of Felix Flannél (Depp) and Jackeriah Wordsworthy (DiCaprio), two middle aged men trying to get summer jobs as wrestling lumber-jacks.

Woeful. But as much as this is becoming about why I think I am better than them (better beard growth, better blog, better Scottish accent, better at Halo, have an iPhone etc) I did originally ask who we should favour between them.

But, I have lost momentum on this one and don't care anymore.

Hell, make it DiCaprio - he's not been an associated friend of Oasis and his name sounds like juice.