This entry has been entitled "Happy New Near" as a tribute to my sister, who genuinely thought that was what the phrase was until she was at least 10. One day she just looked down at what she had written and realised something wasn't right about it. But hell, I didn't realise a budgerigar was a budgie until I was 15, I thought it was part of a fireplace.
Anyway, I have made a new years resolution to make £200 this year from performing stand-up comedy between now and December 31st. Having amassed a credit-crunch beating £30 in 2010, I think £200 for 2011 is a challenging but realistic target that will serve me well in getting where I want to be going with comedy. But I already need to try a lot harder, because no less than 12 hours into the new year something awful happened.
I spent this Hogmanay in a wigwam by a loch in Perthshire. I then drove back to Glasgow, passing through the town of Callander. My ears prick up, as there was surely some comical connection to be made. The cogs in my brain twist slowly, still lubricated with mulled wine and whatever other shit I was drinking and I manage to come out with...
"It will be a new calender for the people of Callender today."
What the fuck? I seemed to have turned into a dad. The dad with no children. The worst kind of dad. Should I just ditch my wardrobe for a selection of comfortable "The North Face" garments now? Am I going to start going up to comedians and suggesting a few horrendous joke-book gags that they might want to consider adding to their set?
"Hey that was good, see after you do that routine about interspecies sex, you should say 'and of course, the difference between a buffalo and a bison is... you can't wash your bands in a buffalo.'"
Anyway, this is my last day in my current flat, marking a year I have lived here and in Glasgow. Tomorrow morning I'm throwing everything in the van I have borrowed from my father (The North Face spokesman for the North East) and will be clearing off to Aberdeen... then moving back to Glasgow next week. This computer is the last thing to put away so I'm going to make this one short.
I had planned a bit of a speech about how sickening Christmas is - the injustices of the millions on the streets, starving and hungry whilst the rest of us stuff our faces and decide which copy of Inception to watch afterwards - how Christmas seems to be for the benefit of HMV, how New Year seems to be for the benefit of 02 and how new year is when your nearest rip-off gym starts tractor-beaming you to their 12-month membership contracts. But now we've all got the stuff we want, and all the stuff we don't, it's over for another year, so I'd rather just forget about it and look forward to the non-landmark days. Tuesdays, the middle of the month, the rest of the day after a dental check-up - they all have potential to be great. I like looking-forward to doing what I want with my time, which is why I'm not even going to bother trying to stop sleeping so much because sleeping is fantastic and makes the time you are awake more enjoyable. I don't even mind working either and I'm not dreading it's return at all as I treated myself to a new wide-screen monitor for my computer over the holidays.
So in reality my new years resolution is 1920 x 1080.
Thank you, thank you, I will be here all... fucking... year.
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